Boundaries Aren't About the Other Person. They're About You.
At 10:30 this morning I took off my earpiece after back-to-back meetings, stared at my screen, and realized I couldn't think straight. So I grabbed my sunglasses, my phone, and my giant sunhat — fair complexion — and took a walk. That walk is a boundary. And that's what this piece is about.
Prefer to read? Here's the full article: It was about 10:30 am and I had spent the morning in back-to-back meetings. As I took my ear piece out from the last call finishing up I stared at my computer screen blankly for a moment, wondering what the hell I was doing. I became acutely aware that I wasn’t able to focus. That’s my signal: I wasn’t stressed or anxious really, just this thrum of energy I couldn’t think through. I stood up, grabbed my phone and sunglasses (and huge sunhat because…fair complexion) and took a walk around my neighborhood.
Getting up and taking a walk is a boundary. Or rather, it's a way I hold myself accountable to a boundary. The boundary is, I need to focus on my work. Taking a walk is what I do to ensure I can. It’s a boundary around how I manage my energy. We have a tendency to think boundaries are about the other person. But boundaries are ultimately about us and how we respond to the other person or our environment. Specifically, though they are about keeping a stable nervous system no matter where we are or who we are engaging with. I talk about this at engagements and I can always tell by a few faces that they are thinking of that one person they know who REALLY bothers them. You know - the ass hole on the team or in the meeting. That person. And in everyone’s mind they are thinking “No seriously Jennifer, the boundary is because they are a jerk”. I totally get it - but you don’t control the jerk. You only control you and the only way to show respect and empathy is to say to yourself, “Spending time with this person makes my nervous system unstable; what am I going to do about it?” That’s your boundary.
We throw around a lot of catch phrases with boundaries. Things like ‘kind is clear, ‘protect your peace’ and ‘no is a complete sentence.’ These are all solid phrases, but they fail to capture the full context of what happens when boundaries are not in place and held. That context is what helps you understand the need. What happens when we don’t have boundaries. Every individual on the planet is a unique combination of traits, biology - perspective. No two of us are exactly alike in the details. What is relatively the same is the way our systems work, specifically what happens when hormones start firing. Arousal, stress, peace, rest all center around certain hormones in the brain that trigger all sorts of interesting biological processes. When a boundary is crossed, you might feel anger or fear, but whatever it is, it’s literally your body saying to you - ‘this isn’t comfortable, please pay attention.’ Uncomfortable isn’t necessarily the enemy but we do want to be aware of how it is impacting us. Some discomfort is needed for growth, some isn’t. You must decide which it is for you. When you don’t decide, or that is to say, when you decide to let a boundary go, you start a chain reaction of events. You get a build-up of anger or fear that can turn corrosive and resentful. You will, if left long enough, create beliefs around a situation that you let infiltrate different situations. And if really left disregarded for too long, you can become depressive, volatile, and well…unpleasant isn’t the right word. What happens is it makes YOU the asshole. I mean, hurt people hurt people right?
Let’s use an example that has nothing to do with another person (I mean those are easy) and look at something totally within your control. Going to bed on time. If you routinely allow yourself to stay up so late that you don’t get enough sleep, eventually your behavior starts to shift. It becomes harder to get up. Soon, coffee isn’t enough to keep you going through the day. Someone sleep deprived becomes more moody, temperamental and difficult to work with. This doesn’t need to show up as rage; it could be a no to a client when you might have actually been able to find a workaround for them. Because you are sleep-deprived, you don’t have full access to think, so a simple problem becomes an impasse. Let’s say your client pushes back on a price and you haven’t slept well for the better part of a week. Instead of having a conversation with them where you ask questions and look for solutions, you default to defensiveness. You push back a bit and make statements instead of gathering information from them. You might cut them off mid-sentence or answer a little too short. You get through and they have a bad taste in their mouth about you and it erodes trust on the deal. I want to be clear - you didn’t lose your shit and scream at someone; you leaked irritation and impatience and didn’t even realize you were doing it. How do you feel if you lose that deal and it was worth $500,000?
Dude - have a boundary about going to bed on time and make the $500K.
The way I see it. Boundaries are really about protecting one thing. Your energy. And by protecting your energy, you make the best use of your time. Because time is a non-renewable resource.
We all only have exactly the same amount of time every day. What we do with those 24 hours is based on choices and decisions that we make. Ideally, we base those choices on our priorities and our values because life will consistently throw curveballs at you. It will light fires in your path to keep you off progress. Things just happen. Boundaries are what you put into place in order to keep control of your time. What you say no to so that you can say yes to the things that matter.
It could be how long you spend talking to somebody in the office or how much time you spend on your phone.
All of these decisions are based on time and protecting the precious resource that it is.
And the best way to protect your time is by drawing boundaries around your energy. How do we want to spend our energy? This is about your nervous system: are you aware of your stability?
Are you in a place where you are able to work and work well? Cause not doing that is a huge WASTE of time.
At school, my son's class uses a red, yellow, and green mood scale. It helps the kids identify when they are unstable. If my son starts getting overly excited about something and can't slow down to focus a math sheet, his teacher might ask him, “What zone are you in?” He might say red or yellow because he needs to settle his body down before he can actually do the math worksheet.
The goal is to be in the green zone. Being in the green zone means you have an attitude and the energy to learn and to engage in a helpful, productive way. Are you in the green zone?. Managing your energy is one of the most underestimated skills of self-leadership and efficiency.
And news flash - managing your energy is often about making choices on what to do with your time.
It is a secret weapon to productivity, success, and just genuine overall life satisfaction and enjoyment.
Having boundaries and holding yourself accountable for where and how to spend your time and energy requires discipline, though. It's one thing to say a thing. It's a very different thing to do the thing. It’s only as good as your ability to hold yourself accountable to it. That's why this is a self-leadership skill; nobody else can hold you accountable to your own boundaries.
It becomes an inside job. I mean, who else can determine whether or not your nervous system is even stable but you?
That’s why I consider boundaries the bridge between you and the rest of your life. They are what allow you to engage at your best no matter what’s going on around you. In my I Got You™ program, boundaries sit in the Connection Trifecta with respect and empathy. They help us build trust with others. Boundaries are part of how you show yourself respect and empathy. And guess what, it’s how you can build trust with yourself. And you can only do it when you get straight with yourself. I got back from that walk the other day, took off my shoes, set down those sunglasses (and that giant hat), and was able to focus on the next item on my calendar. I had entered the green zone and was clear, focused, and most importantly, I felt good. About myself, my choices, my ability to finish my day. They can be difficult to do, but having boundaries is a critical step to personal responsibility. And your life needs a leader.
Comments