You Can't Do Everything. Here's How to Stop Pretending You Can.
Earlier this month I was in the carpool line for summer camp when I realized I had missed dress-up day. Again.
Red, white, and blue everywhere. Glitter on the counselors' cheeks. My son trotted off in his standard blue and I drove away without guilt — because I had already decided dress-up day wasn't a priority.
That decision is what this piece is about.
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My son and I need to wait in the carpool line for camp counselors to come out and escort kids in for the start of the day. I looked up when I heard the door and was met by 3 young women dressed in bold red, white, and blue. It was impossible to miss the dress-up day celebration this week. There were headbands and stickers. Y’all, the counselors even had red glitter on their cheeks. I smiled and felt that little pinch of guilt. I had completely forgotten dress-up day. Even though I knew it was coming. Even though it happens every week. I smiled back at my son, who was wearing his usual blue, wished him a great day, and off he went. I waved as I drove off, reminding myself that dress-up day wasn’t my biggest priority that morning.
I can get a lot done, and there's a lot that I miss. Some of the things I miss are what other people say are important. Like that dress-up day.
Can you relate?
That little flicker of guilt shows up less and less now but there was a time when I could be overwhelmed by it. There’s pressure to keep up with what other families are doing. As a parent, it can make me feel like I’m failing in some way.
This is true for most of us. Every day we all stare at a list of tasks and make decisions about which of these tasks matter most to us during the day. Some days it might be a home-cooked meal; others might be leftovers because sleep is more important (or the dishes). It’s rare that we actually take everything off our task list.
The unpopular reality is limits are real. Time. Energy. Priority.
Everyone has the same number of hours in the day, and to pretend we can do everything in 24 hours is just false. In his book “4000 Weeks,” Oliver Burkeman discusses the idea of settling. Settling with what’s actually possible. Being ok that if a typical live is 4000 weeks, we likely won’t get to every potential experience we want. We might not hit every bucket list item. But we can become so obsessed with the idea that we CAN do everything - that when we don’t, we feel like we are somehow failing.
Y’all - you can’t do everything. Trying to is an exercise in futility, and the harder we try, the more pressure we put on ourselves. The more helpful option is to make peace with that fact and double down on the things that matter most to you. You’ll be more likely to get them done. Judging and shaming yourself for limits isn’t leading yourself well. Judgement erodes self-efficacy over time. You begin to believe you are more limited than you are or that you aren’t ‘good enough’. None of that thinking is going to help you get anything done better.
And it certainly won’t help you get done more. So what do you do? There are a couple of good strategies I use. One is to get super clear on what’s the most important thing to focus on.
You sit down and write your values and then your priorities. Because when you have a steady framework to fall back on when you have too much to do during the day (who doesn’t) you can take things off your list and not feel guilty about it.
Disappointed? Sure - but not guilt. That list allows you to start the day and then triage it as things come up. It allows you to eliminate nonessential items from your to-do list and not feel bad about it Another powerful strategy is to redefine what ‘emergency’ means to you. I define an emergency based on the likelihood of death. I’m not being flippant; this is a powerful level set. If no one is going to die, I have time to think. I have time to breathe. It isn’t an emergency. If you have ever visited an emergency room and then sat in the waiting room for 3 or 4 hours, you know what I mean. Frequently, as a child with asthma, I would make a late-night ER visit, struggling to breathe, and then sit, for HOURS, to be seen by a Dr.
I’ve also gone in and been in a bed with oxygen and getting blood work done in less than 3 minutes. They can move - when it REALLY is an emergency.
We have so much convenience and privilege; sometimes our perspective can get skewed by what really matters. A need is having shoes. A want is having 6 pairs. Reframing what matters during your day takes the pressure off what you are able to finish.
I start my day by putting the three things that must happen down in ink, and everything goes in pencil. I talk about this in a practice I call Triage. I make a list of my goals, determine what the most important, critical, and impactful items are, and let everything else go. If my day doesn’t go as planned, it’s because more important unplanned items came up and trumped my plan.
I didn’t fail. I effectively managed time to achieve the best possible outcome. Am I disappointed? You bet.
Did I fail? No way in hell.
What does this look like for anyone responsible for their own results?
It might mean returning calls before you check emails.
It might mean blocking time to prospect even with a full inbox.
It might be that open house prep matters more than every networking event.
It means getting honest about what is really moving the needle and protecting that time fiercely.
In my life it can look like:
Touching base with a friend and leaving the dishes for tomorrow.
Reheating leftovers because we are running late to therapy.
Taking time to make visual supports so my son can be independent and not planning how to make dress-up day happen.
I decide what I am willing to say yes to, and what I am willing to say no to IN ADVANCE of needing to make a decision.
I don't have all of the time in the world, and neither do you. Everybody only has 24 hours in a day. You have to make choices about where to spend your time, your energy, your focus. And there's not necessarily a right or wrong answer to that.
Self-leadership and personal responsibility begin with an honest conversation with yourself about what it really important to you. And then committing to those things so you are okay with saying the other stuff doesn't matter as much.
When I picked my son up later that afternoon, he came dashing to the car with stickers on his face and shirt and a 4th of July craft in his hands. He had a huge smile from an amazing day at camp.
And we celebrated the Fourth of July in style.
I no longer judge myself for the fact that he wasn't dressed up. Accountability isn’t about shaming or guilting yourself for not doing everything. It’s about being honest about what the most important things in your life are and committing to them fiercely.
What are you committed to? What are you choosing to say no to, so you can say yes to the rest?
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