Special Needs parents have, I feel, six mindsets that need to consider. Six decisions that they need to make, on purpose, to help them live more comfortable, more fulfilled, more worthwhile lives. These six mindsets are:
It's not your fault.
You are not alone.
Your child is not broken.
The experts know the diagnosis. But you know your kid.
The truth is somewhere in the middle.
And yes, you fucking can.
Those are the six mindsets that you need to move into. You need to choose these mindsets. You make them real because they are. They are true factual things.
And you decide that you're going to believe them.
Now the decision to believe in, work from, and act out of these six mindsets, is when your life begins to change. They are the anchor thoughts you use when you're having a shit day. You know, those moments when your child is having their sixth meltdown, because of some kind of crazy spilled thing at the kitchen table, and you just can't take one more minute.
That's when you seriously say to yourself, my child's not broken, and this is not my fault. I’ve said that shit out loud when it’s been really bad.
And you hold onto these things because they are true, they are real. And you've decided to believe them on purpose. Deliberately. This shit doesn't happen by accident, guys. If you let things grow by accident, you will grow weeds, roses take action.
Each one of these mindsets is a shift in and of itself. It really is an individual decision for each one. These were the 6 things that I had to shift into after my son’s diagnosis and I find that to be true of most special needs parents. To get on the other side of this is hard, but this is the crap that's holding you back. This is the stuff that is making you feel like you're drowning. It’s because you don't believe these six things right now. Somewhere inside you do think this is your fault. You do think your child is broken. You do think you are alone. And I guarantee you this is making things worse, not better. So the goal is to move here, the goal is to choose these new thoughts and beliefs because it is helpful, it makes it better.
When you know it's not your fault, you're not sitting in grief. And guilt. Guilt is not helpful.
When you know your child has not broken, you're not necessarily trying to fix him or her as much as you're just trying to help him or her in the same way that you would help somebody who needs eyeglasses or insulin, same shit.
And when you know you can fucking do it. And you're not alone, then you reach out for the support and the assistance that you need to get you through. This is truth, this is real. These are the things that get you through.
Now to get there, you have to hit a place where you're willing to accept this as your belief. You're willing to say this is what I believe because at first, it is going to feel like you are lying to yourself. You're not. You're not lying to yourself, your body is just confused. Your brain is trying to tell you something is real, that's not really real and you're believing your brain. You need to tell your brain what is real, you're in control, not your brain, your brain is not in control. And then you repeat it and you start living from it. And you build from it a little bit at a time. Over and over step by step. Baby steps because change is hard and uncomfortable. And that's okay. But if you spend three years doing this, you've got the rest of your life with your child to not feel like shit but is worth it. Life has meaning and purpose again, it feels fulfilling.
These six things are the goal.
This is not your fault.
You are not alone.
Your child is not broken.
The experts know the diagnosis but they do not know your kid.
The truth is somewhere in the middle and
My god yes you fucking can
Getting to this goal was the hardest work I have ever done. And by far the most rewarding. Unfortunately for most people, like me, you have to be brought to your knees before you are #willing to acknowledge that maybe what you think is true isn’t really true.
Or at the very least, it isn’t helping you. You have to hit rock bottom sometimes before you start to realize that what you are currently doing isn’t working. And then you have some serious decisions to make. The beautiful thing about this process is that once you live it you see how amazingly powerful and helpful it is. And then you start making those shifts without needing to hit bottom.
That’s when a new level of life begins. That’s when suddenly, it’s worth it. Everything. And then you are a different #parent for your children.
If you are looking or need some help working through this book a free consultation call and learn more about my coaching programs. You can also follow me online @considerjennifer on FB, IG, TikTok, and YouTube.